(no subject)

*laughs* I had started an entry yesterday morning as I had waited for Matt to get on to talk, and about half way through he got online and well, I forgot about it. It just now popped up as a draft when I logged in and I about laughed. I really should avoid posting before dawn.

Anyways, I crashed big time after getting home yesterday. All the lost sleep finally caught up to me. I posted in Illyrica, poor Jeri's been waiting on me, then replied to a pm in Stonehythe. I'm growing increasingly frustrated there. Two other canons now have left and I have pretty much NO ONE to interact with until my character's reluctant bethrothed comes to call, but we're on a strict timeline. So me and the owner of the Imperial Commander are plotting some fun to keep us from growing bored. Poor character has a woman complex so this ought to be interesting.

While doing this, for I had momentary phases of block while writing for Jeri, I was invited into the Naruta chat again (which for the life of me I can't figure out how to do???), and they were pretty fun. They asked after Gandy and I decided to stay the diplomat. He's been busy. Funny, they'll forget our thread for days on end and when he doesn't reply right-away they get all concerned. WTF? So I posted to get the aussies off my back. At least now I see why most times I see Northen and Kender on line, I know they are tired... their half a fricking day ahead of us. XP

I last saw the clock at 6:43, and not again til 10:32. I was in a panic, but that's a tale for another journal. *grin* I was finally in bed just at about midnight and slept til just after 7:30. So I've had roughly 11 hours of sleep. I think I'm fine again until next weekend.

Tomorrow is Thom's birthday and since he has to work (SHOCKER), the house is taking him out today. I managed to save up about sixty to spend on him, and yes that included raiding the couch cushions for change. (Which I might add, is a great habit to get into after Scott and Thom have buddies over for all night gaming binges and beer. SO much falls out of guys pockets then. XD) I got him his fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD, a Blue Devils (drum corps, not team) shirt, and have about twenty left to contribute towards our lunch at Buca di Bepo's. Scott got us the Pope table, which is SO awesome. It's a huge ass circle, with a giant lazy-susan on which the Pope's bust serves as the centerpiece. All twenty of us, since we've invited his friends too, will fit around it. I just hope I can slip some of his wine again. They have such good Chianti there.
Wow- how Hannibalish does that sound?

Well, today will be pretty busy for me. Massage at 11. James, do your magic buddy, my shoulders are a MESS. Buca's at 2:30. Chicken Marsala....mmm.. and probably Sam's Club after that since all in the house just got paid and I'm SICK OF RAMEN NOODLES. That, and I used the last of the protein powder this morning. I can only stomach one brand and GNC doesn't carry it. Bastards. Not that I don't still add Nesquik anyways. XP

I think Thom plans on doing some composing early this evening still. I'll either try to nab the projector to play some Fable again, or just GS on here. I tried playing it during class yesterday. Bad idea. I was too distracted trying to go between note taking and the game, I think I screwed them both up. o.O

Alex thought it hilarious. She kept looking over my shoulder as I played, giggling. Oh, and Amanda... she's been great to talk to about things. One thing she suggested I took to heart and did, I just have to talk to Matt about it now. Unfortunately, I don't know when he'll be back, I just assume it's tomorrow. *sigh*

Oh, shit... gotta shower and get ready if I'm gonna get massaged today. Laters.
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    Something weird of Scott's

Oh my... that explains A LOT

I didn't think I'd get so immersed so quickly this would happen. Collapse )

I have never felt this horrible before. Knowing what it is all well and good, but it's physically taking a toll on me and it's downright frightening. If I've done three out of the five things to help alleviate it, and I still feel like I'm going to fall apart the moment the subject comes up or, God help me when he does, He gets off aim. Just the thought of that has my heart racing in panic and me imagining another night of tear soaked pillows.
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    Sound of Silence

Longest ever

Last night, hell, this morning, has been the longest I've ever tried to get through before.

I'm a wreck.

I'm so exhausted I feel like I could collapse right now and never wake up and yet the moment my head hits the pillow, I'm either wide awake or tormented by more nightmares. At least three times I've woken up in a cold sweat, paniciking for a few moments until I realize what I'd dreamt wasn't real. I've been beating myself up no matter what I do and I feel like I'm falling apart.

Praying gave me the worst of them all... and that crying jag made my sugar drop again.

I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I'm shaking still, I'm literally in tears over having missed him online by 12 minutes.

Why am I so desperate to hear from him when I'm terrified of talking to him?

It's selfish of me, I know, to keep picturing the moment I threw everything off yesterday and wish I could stop myself. Wish I could reach out a hand and grab my wrist before I could set all this in motion.

And it's pointless to keep thinking of it.
But I do.

I'm going to for only God knows how long and until it stops, I'm going to keep getting worked up, keep being a crying mess, and... I don't know after that.
I'm not sure I really care.

I just want to stop FEELING.
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    exhausted exhausted


I'm beginning to think that all I draw close to end up scarred from the sheer exposure to me. For years now I've known I'm unlucky. I'm teased with periods or glimpses of happiness, good circumstances, whatever you want to call it, only to have everything else around me crumble.
I don't know why I hold out much hope anymore.

In less than a month, A MONTH, I managed to find a dear friend, someone who has understood me better than anyone, and I've also succeeded in causing them more heartache than one should ever endure. I don't even mean to and yet I perfectly fuck up everything.

God, how I wish I had kept my mouth shut.

I'm not made for this. I never was. I know the risks I take, pushing myself, but then I don't expect to be around that long. It's not morbidity, just fact. There's unexplained reasons for my condition and they worsen each passing year. It will make my body give out some day, and the emotional roller coasters I put myself on certainly aren't helping.

I shouldn't sleep tonight. I'm shaking like a leave, sick to my stomach. I've been crying for hours and I've tried everything to keep up what little sugar is possible. I'm running out fast. And part of me could care less.

I hurt him. God I can't live with that. And I'm so terribly weak, can't save him by keeping away either... I'm selfish enough to want to stay, hold onto what little happines he's given me with a choke hold even when I know I need to cut him loose, bid him farewell and spare him any further pain by putting him far from me.
But I'm afraid.

I always have been.

Thom tries to comfort me, but it does no good. I remember most everything said, and it wretches my heart open. Why can't I free him and at least feel comfort in knowing he'd forget me eventually. Look back on this mess I created and see me for what I was. A distraction, a fool, a temptation.

I'm not proud of myself and what I've put him through, but God, I can't find the strength to do what I should. I'll get the nerve up and try to say the things I feel I must before stepping away and he... he knows me too well. He knows what I need to hear and when I need to hear it and I can't go through with it. I cave, I give in, damning him to more pain that I CAUSE.

Why can't I stop this?! Why is it I'm the only one in my family to have this damn condition? It makes no sense, other than to make the pain more intense. To feel my limbs fight to move with some semblance of control while my head clouds over and robs me of my intelligence, shaking violently to the point I can't lift a glass of juice to my lips while my heart pounds through my ribs. And Thom tries, God love him, he does, but nothing is taking hold.

I can't settle down, I can't forget, I can't forgive myself. I just feel myself slipping and I'm about ready to pray it wins. I've had my heart broken, my spirit crushed... but never have I carried the burden of having done so to another on my shoulders.
I can't handle this and I'm suffering for it physically.

If I curl up under the blankets, he'll not see my shaking, I could go on to sleep. I haven't the strength to fight it, not now, not tonight. All I want is to cry myself to sleep and slip into dreams of happier things.

Knowing my luck, I'll relive tonight over and over.

I... I can't stop. The tears, the guilt, the feeling I've ruined it all.
I just want to stop hurting.
But I don't deserve such release.
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    Fix You- Coldplay

(no subject)

Subject: Star Wars Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Additonal Notes: Please comment and credit before using. :)

001 : Alone 002 : Magical 003 : Embrace 004 : Sunshine 005 : Sorrow
006 : A Dreamer’s Dream 007 : Colorful 008 : Brightness 009 : Rain 010 : All Is Wrong
011 : All Is Right 012 : Lost 013 : Wicked 014 : Smile 015 : Laughter
016 : Misery 017 : Secrets 018 : All That I Am 019 : Soul Food 020 : Love
021 : Fire 022 : Ice 023 : Glory 024 : Full Of Regret 025 : green
026 : Blue 027 : Red 028 : Forgotten 029 : Snarky 030 : Mmm Yum!
031 : Hush 032 : Reminisce 033 : Why 034 : Time 035 : So Close
036 : Joy 037 : Kiss 038 : Beautiful 039 : Hope 040 : Desire
041 : I've Been Bad 042 : Fury 043 : Companionship 044 : From Now On 045 : Mine
046 : Trouble In Paradise 047 : Tears 048 : My Drug 049 : Flowers 050 : Water
051 : Artist's Choice 052 : Artist's Choice 053 : Artist's Choice 054 : Artist's Choice 055 : Artist's Choice
056 : Artist's Choice 057 : Artist's Choice 058 : Artist's Choice 059 : Artist's Choice 060 : Artist's Choice
061 : Artist's Choice 062 : Artist's Choice 063 : Artist's Choice 064 : Artist's Choice 065 : Artist's Choice
066 : Artist's Choice 067 : Artist's Choice 068 : Artist's Choice 069 : Artist's Choice 070 : Artist's Choice
071 : Artist's Choice 072 : Artist's Choice 073 : Artist's Choice 074 : Artist's Choice 075 : Artist's Choice
076 : Artist's Choice 077 : Artist's Choice 078 : Artist's Choice 079 : Artist's Choice 080 : Artist's Choice
081 : Artist's Choice 082 : Artist's Choice 083 : Artist's Choice 084 : Artist's Choice 085 : Artist's Choice
086 : Artist's Choice 087 : Artist's Choice 088 : Artist's Choice 089 : Artist's Choice 090 : Artist's Choice
091 : Artist's Choice 092 : Artist's Choice 093 : Artist's Choice 094 : Artist's Choice 095 : Artist's Choice
096 : Artist's Choice 097 : Artist's Choice 098 : Artist's Choice 099 : Artist's Choice 100 : Artist's Choice

(no subject)

Well, I've been working on some textures and have about half of what I wanted to make done. Hopefully I'll have them done and up by this coming weekend as I'll be gone for Easter.

Til then, here's a few goodies from the upcoming texture set...

Yep, one was used in my icon. *grin*
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