I don't know why I hold out much hope anymore.
In less than a month, A MONTH, I managed to find a dear friend, someone who has understood me better than anyone, and I've also succeeded in causing them more heartache than one should ever endure. I don't even mean to and yet I perfectly fuck up everything.
God, how I wish I had kept my mouth shut.
I'm not made for this. I never was. I know the risks I take, pushing myself, but then I don't expect to be around that long. It's not morbidity, just fact. There's unexplained reasons for my condition and they worsen each passing year. It will make my body give out some day, and the emotional roller coasters I put myself on certainly aren't helping.
I shouldn't sleep tonight. I'm shaking like a leave, sick to my stomach. I've been crying for hours and I've tried everything to keep up what little sugar is possible. I'm running out fast. And part of me could care less.
I hurt him. God I can't live with that. And I'm so terribly weak, can't save him by keeping away either... I'm selfish enough to want to stay, hold onto what little happines he's given me with a choke hold even when I know I need to cut him loose, bid him farewell and spare him any further pain by putting him far from me.
But I'm afraid.
I always have been.
Thom tries to comfort me, but it does no good. I remember most everything said, and it wretches my heart open. Why can't I free him and at least feel comfort in knowing he'd forget me eventually. Look back on this mess I created and see me for what I was. A distraction, a fool, a temptation.
I'm not proud of myself and what I've put him through, but God, I can't find the strength to do what I should. I'll get the nerve up and try to say the things I feel I must before stepping away and he... he knows me too well. He knows what I need to hear and when I need to hear it and I can't go through with it. I cave, I give in, damning him to more pain that I CAUSE.
Why can't I stop this?! Why is it I'm the only one in my family to have this damn condition? It makes no sense, other than to make the pain more intense. To feel my limbs fight to move with some semblance of control while my head clouds over and robs me of my intelligence, shaking violently to the point I can't lift a glass of juice to my lips while my heart pounds through my ribs. And Thom tries, God love him, he does, but nothing is taking hold.
I can't settle down, I can't forget, I can't forgive myself. I just feel myself slipping and I'm about ready to pray it wins. I've had my heart broken, my spirit crushed... but never have I carried the burden of having done so to another on my shoulders.
I can't handle this and I'm suffering for it physically.
If I curl up under the blankets, he'll not see my shaking, I could go on to sleep. I haven't the strength to fight it, not now, not tonight. All I want is to cry myself to sleep and slip into dreams of happier things.
Knowing my luck, I'll relive tonight over and over.
I... I can't stop. The tears, the guilt, the feeling I've ruined it all.
I just want to stop hurting.
But I don't deserve such release.