ealintara (ealintara) wrote,

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Longest ever

Last night, hell, this morning, has been the longest I've ever tried to get through before.

I'm a wreck.

I'm so exhausted I feel like I could collapse right now and never wake up and yet the moment my head hits the pillow, I'm either wide awake or tormented by more nightmares. At least three times I've woken up in a cold sweat, paniciking for a few moments until I realize what I'd dreamt wasn't real. I've been beating myself up no matter what I do and I feel like I'm falling apart.

Praying gave me the worst of them all... and that crying jag made my sugar drop again.

I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I'm shaking still, I'm literally in tears over having missed him online by 12 minutes.

Why am I so desperate to hear from him when I'm terrified of talking to him?

It's selfish of me, I know, to keep picturing the moment I threw everything off yesterday and wish I could stop myself. Wish I could reach out a hand and grab my wrist before I could set all this in motion.

And it's pointless to keep thinking of it.
But I do.

I'm going to for only God knows how long and until it stops, I'm going to keep getting worked up, keep being a crying mess, and... I don't know after that.
I'm not sure I really care.

I just want to stop FEELING.

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